What Seinfeld character would you be?

IT’S inevitable. Once you move to New York, it’s only a matter of time before you turn into a character from Seinfeld. And yes, dear reader, after five months in this city I too have succumbed. So I’d like to introduce myself … the heavy walker. And I’m not particularly happy about it. It all began about six days after I moved into my new apartment. There I was, hanging new curtains and unpacking IKEA plates, when I received a curt letter informing me of one of the building’s by-laws. Apparently, all tenants are required to carpet no less than 80 per cent of their lovely wood floors. After hearing the rustlings of a new tenant upstairs, my downstairs neighbour had swiftly alerted the management company and asked them to query my compliance with this rule. Despite my short tenure in the block, she had already managed to catalogue a list of my noise crimes. Among the intolerable noise she claimed was coming from my television, phone conversations and general day-to-day living, my dear neighbour complained of my “heavy walking”. I was asked to carpet the apartment immediately. So, consider my situation. With no TV, couch or cutlery, buying a carpet wasn’t particularly high on my to-do list. Besides, I had my own gripe. Every morning, somewhere between 4.30 and 5am, I was being awoken by a mysterious sound from my own upstairs neighbour. I assumed the origin was animal, but I had trouble imagining an animal that moved by somersaulting its way across the floor at great speed. So I wrote a reply to management, agreeing that if the rule indeed existed, I’d be happy to comply, but would they be so kind as to write a similar letter to my upstairs neighbour with the mysterious pet. I was careful to also state that I had never engaged in "heavy walking" of any kind, only regular and reasonably-expected walking. I had no response to my letter. There was also no response to my two phone calls. Before long, however, I received another letter. It once again bemoaned my “heavy walking” and asked me to install carpet immediately. I was furious. I wrote back: “I must state my objection at the continued use of the term ‘heavy walking’. Since your first letter I have been very careful to tread as softly as possible and remove my shoes when I enter the apartment. “Your continued use of the term is causing me emotional distress, as it implies and is tantamount to calling me overweight. “I hope that you will address the noise concerns relating to my upstairs neighbor with the same vigor that you have shown in dealing with me”’ I had included the middle paragraph and the reference to “emotional distress” as a scare tactic. In a country so weighed down by frivolous litigation, I was keen to throw my hat in the ring and hint at initiating a lawsuit of my own. My ploy seemed to work. Although the letter garnered no response, the following week I received only a short query, wondering whether there was an “update concerning the carpet installation” and asking me to contact the super to arrange an inspection. So it seems I won the clash, but not the campaign. References to my “heavy walking” were banished, for now. Although, I still have to deal with the unending pleas for carpet and the annoying sensation of being completely ignored. What’s worse, I will henceforth always be known to my amused and Seinfeld-loving family as the “heavy walker”, and perhaps now also, to you.