Dating rules of the New York City jungle

Last week, New Yorkers learned the tragic story of Sarah Adelman, a 25-year-old single, who jumped to her death from an Upper West Side apartment, following a relationship break-up. One of her final acts while living was to call an ex-boyfriend. Despite an existing condition of depression, friends and members of the local Jewish community were quick to acknowledge that the extreme pressure of trying to find an Orthodox husband was certainly a contributing factor in her decision. It’s no secret that this city is a dating jungle, where the laws of nature (and classical economics) prevail. It’s completely out of control, and replete with peculiarities. Any observer will tell you, the island of Manhattan is overflowing with beautiful, intelligent, classy women. These women are driven, accomplished and highly groomed (so, no wonder there’s a beauty parlour on practically every corner). And although it’s not often discussed, they are experiencing a man-drought. Nobody is quite sure where the cache of correspondingly clever, charming and handsome males is being stashed. In explaining this gender imbalance, some women point to New York’s sizable gay community. Jealous and bewildered they watch groomed, gorgeous men walking arm-in-arm with similarly buffed and stunning male prototypes. It seems the old refrain “all the good ones are taken”, has become “all the good ones are taken, by other good ones”. Now, when it comes to dates or casual encounters, there is no lack of action for single women. However, when it comes to finding a suitable partner for marriage, the field empties dramatically. Most Manhattan men, younger than 35, show no interest in advancing their piece forward on the game-board of life. Many in the corporate world work long hours; they require women for little more than after-hours amusement. They recoil at the idea of maintaining a steady relationship. A girlfriend of mine explained it like this: “Mike* doesn’t want to settle down. Why would he? Every night he can choose from an array of beautiful women, and they’re all happy to sleep with him.” While this may refect the sorry state of the dating scene for most New York singles, isn’t the Orthodox Jewish community supposed to be different? A female friend divulged her back-up plan to me a few years ago: if she wasn’t married by 30, she planned to become Orthodox. According to her calculation, the community would welcome her warmly and find her an appropriate match in no time. Yet, it would seem that in New York, even the religious often find it tough. When an observant friend of mine heard the awful news about Ms. Adelman, she raced over to talk to me, shocked but somehow vindicated. “It’s impossible!” she sighed. “Every week, outside synagogue you see these George Constanza types surrounded by manicured, pedicured, beauties… and you can’t even get close enough for a conversation, it’s like R’RAIW.” Her miaow noise was accompanied by a demonstration of elbowing manoeuvres and vicious scratches. Clearly, the laws of the jungle prevail on the Upper West Side. And if supply and demand is the root of the problem, then any reduction in the man-stock is really everyone’s concern. This explains why there was such an uproar last year when Kristina Grish’s Boy Vey!: The Shiksa's Guide to Dating Jewish Men hit bookstores. Nobody wanted to see an already scant resource further diminished with the aid of a self-help book. Personally, after assessing the conditions of the field and coming to understand the local market I decided, as ridiculous as it sounds, that New York is not the place to meet a Jewish husband. Just wait until my mother hears. * Not his real name. A successful young lawyer from Australia.